Building and Bewildered

So overwhelmed!

We are in a crazy spot in life. The Lord seems to be leading us to a blessed place of building a new house that will accommodate our homeschooling lifestyle more easily. And for that, we are so grateful. 

Here are some "progress" pics, although we haven't actually started yet. 

This is shot from a mostly center point at the very front of the lot.  One large Red Oak stands on this lot, and there will be great pains taken to preserve it.  There is also a pond (they call it a "lake", but it's a VERY small "lake") at the back of the property.  It's a triangular shaped lot, with the larger "base" of the triangle at the front of the property.

It's really hard to see, but Jmk staked out approximately where the house will go, and he and the kids are standing at those four corners.  

But what is overwhelming me right now is the selling process.  We have a house now, and we gotta sell it!  We're preparing the house now to put it on the market - and there seems to be so, SO much to do. Praise God, it's nothing important. The roof is new. The HVAC system is new. We don't have any major repairs that need to be made. But, it's the STUFF. 

So. Much. Stuff. We have to move a lot of Stuff out of the house just so potential buyers can better see the space and the layout. We've had to move tons of school things into storage, because most people can't understand the homeschooling lifestyle. They don't really "get" the fact that this nice, open dining room really can't be a dining room. We need bookshelves and toy boxes and places for posters and globes. 

So, our school is all packed into a storage room, keeping only the very basic basics here, so that the dining room can be a dining room again.  We have stored toys upon toys and some extra furniture and just a whole bunch of STUFF.  Stuff, quite frankly, that we can obviously live without since we seem to be still living and breathing with it all sitting in a storage room.  

WHY do we keep so much stuff in our homes?  It's really unsettling to me.  A dear church sister reminded me recently that we're just "pilgrims and sojourners"; we really don't need to be quite so tied to this life and the STUFF that's in it.  But, I know that when we make the move into the new house, Lord willing, I'll start opening boxes and bags and putting things away and I'll give in to the unwieldy sentimentality and will KEEP all that stuff that I have lived just fine without for months.  No matter how many times I tell myself that I won't do it, I will.

::exhale::  Maybe.  

Maybe I'll come to a place of reason by then.  Maybe I'll realize that while my kids appreciate seeing my old pom-poms from high school (and actually had fun playing with them), do they really care about that old laquered jewelry box that I don't actually use anymore but reminds me of my "growing up" days?  No.  They don't.  And they shouldn't.  It doesn't relate to anything specific, it has no monetary value, and it doesn't evoke any memories for them.  It doesn't even evoke specific memories for me.  It's just from a time period.  Well, by george, there are plenty of things I've stuffed in the storage room that can remind me of that time period.  I don't need ALL of them.  And I don't need to take all of them, put them on the floor of my closet again, and never see them until I'm searching for a wayward flip-flop.  Seriously.  Come on. 

I'm just unsettled right now.  Our wonderful home doesn't feel as much like our home right now, because we're having to look at it through a potential buyer's eyes, which is a necessary part of being in real estate.  But, it's unsettling to have that "not really yours" feeling about the place where you live, even though it IS yours.  I wonder how the kids are dealing with it?  Surely they aren't able to take any weird feelings they may be feeling and actually put a name to them.  So, are they just ignoring it?  Or do they feel the weirdness too?

Selling a house is tough, and we haven't even actually listed it yet!  And, knowing that we are so overburdened with so much STUFF sitting in a storage room gives me a different, but equally weird, unsettled feeling.  Why so much? What is it about our lifestyle or choices or manner of living that draws us to the need to to accumulate things?  Not all of us have that urge; some of us are more bitten by this frustrating bug.

Well, I'll just have to Scarlett O'Hara these thoughts for now.  I'll go ahead and get some supper started and let it go.  Until I take the next load of stuff to the storage room.  And, then, I'll get that icko feeling again.  The Lord is working on me, I suspect.  At least, I pray that He is.  I certainly do not want to be left alone without His lessons!

For those reading who may know of someone looking for a house, we have a website set up for early lookers before we actually officially put it on the market.  The website is our current street address (dot) blogspot (dot) com.  We would gratefully accept any and all help to sell this home!

So, About Those Resolultions

I can not explain it easily why I can't seem to develop some simple, yet unique, new resolutions for 2013.  But, I can't.  I keep thinking that maybe it's because I know our year is going to be a crazy one, if the Lord blesses us to continue on this track to build our house.  Maybe, I think, it's because I didn't REALLY finish everything I set out to do last year, and I hate leaving things unfinished.   So, I believe that's what I will focus on with one minor alteration:

1)  Finish those last 5 lbs of weight loss.

I want to be in a place where I can yo-yo a bit on the scale and still have it start with a reasonable number.  Right now, after having slacked off from about Thanksgiving until now, I have had zero extra weight loss, and quite frankly, the scale was a little mean this morning.  So, back on the horse, lose the last 5.  Get comfortable in a size of clothing.  I have a year to do it, but I'd like to have it done by the summertime.

2)  Finish getting back splits, and make the arabesque a pure and true 90 degree arabesque.

No explanation needed there.

3)  I'm sitting here drumming my fingers on the keyboard, trying to come up with a way to explain how I'm not going to really try to finish the C25K program.  It's not that I want to leave it unfinished.  I don't.  And, I might just finish it accidentally.  But, I no longer have the urge to do it, although I really do enjoy the process of running, which I never really had before.  I DO, however, have the urge to get to exercising again, on a regular schedule.  All the progress that I made last year has almost completely been wiped out over the past two months of inactivity.  It's getting almost unnerving how quickly fitness can be lost as the years go by.

However, I find myself in a difficult place in life, with the kids and homeschooling, and my schedule not being my own.  I can't just leave the house and go walk the neighborhood, because the kids are too little.  I can't just bring them along, because then the workout isn't really one that has a great effect.  (although that would be better than what I'm doing now, which is nothing!)  The timing of my day doesn't really allow for me to take 30 minutes "just for me".  It seems like an easy thing to do, and MAYBE it's easier than I think it's going to be.  MAYBE I just need to gently alter the kids' thinking about the importance of mom being healthy.  And, to do that, I need to have time on the treadmill or whathaveyou.  I just don't know how it's going to work.  That's part of my problem.  I want that time to be on a schedule.  I like schedules and lists and knowing what's going to happen and following a plan.  I'm not great with the whole flying by the seat of my pants thing.  (I'm not a poster child for homeschooling, I'll be honest).  But, it takes some time to work through 40+ years of someone's personality!  I'm always going to be that person, but I have to learn to be flexible enough to allow creativity when fitting in exercise time.  It won't be done in a manner that makes me comfortable.  But, if it's done at all, then that's a success!

But, I know that I have GOT to resolve to find the time I need to stretch and use my muscles, to strengthen and support my body, to keep myself moving so that I don't lose mobility.  Inactivity quickly leads to a health decline.  And, there's too much to do to have that happening.  :-)

So, off through the new year, back on the wagon with the healthy eating (except for tonight - it's Kung Pao Friday!!), back on the wagon with some form of stretching or exercise every day, and hopefully heading towards a direction of improved health and strength!  And, maybe, next year one of my resolutions just might include an actual ballet class each week.  We'll see!

A Year Ago

A year ago today, my father went in to the hospital, through the ER, in congestive heart failure.  He was there for 15 days.  After it was discovered that stents were impossible due to complete to almost complete blockage in every vessel leading into his heart, he endured a triple bypass surgery.  (One of the vessels was completely blocked AND closed and was unable to be bypassed).  He was back in the hospital 6 days later due to fluid build-up and in that process pulmonary embolisms were discovered.  He was released again 5 days later on blood thinners and other updated meds.  One more day visit to the ER for shortness of breath.  And then a bit less than 6 weeks later, one more brief hospital stay to have a pacemaker/defibrillator implanted.

The beginning of 2012 was a physical and emotional roller coaster in so many ways, for everyone involved, and especially for him.

For me, I have learned a lot of different lessons over the past year.  Some I will discuss, some I can't quite put words to.  I've had words of advice that have stuck with me and that I pull out on a regular basis from people who might not even remember speaking them to me.  But the journey over the past year has been one that reaffirmed my God-blessed, beautiful relationship with my husband.  It strengthened and/or changed my relationship with my parents in different ways.  It brought to light the love of friends who surrounded me with support.  But, very specifically, it caused me to look to the Lord for help and for comfort.  Not that I hadn't always done that up to that point.  But, my boldness for Him changed.  Actually, to be honest, it was born.  My boldness is but an infant in its development, but it was born.  And I hope to nurture that boldness for Jesus Christ so that it may continue to grow, to glorify Him.  I had nothing but prayer when we were in the waiting area during his surgery.  I had nothing but prayer the morning that we were gathered in his room, praying with him, not sure if we would see him again after the surgery.  I had nothing but prayer as I was driving back and forth from my home to the hospital.  I had nothing but prayer as I thought of all the time that Jmk took off work so that I could be in the hospital without needing to care for the children.  When you have nothing but that life line to God, then there is a bridge or a bond that is built that you want to fortify.

It's very hard for me to really explain it the way I want to.  But, for now, that's what I can put to words.

During the most recent Christmas holidays, and just after our house guests left to go home to Boston, there was a weirdness in my heart and my head.  I thought about how a year ago at that very time, my father was very, very sick, but no one really knew.  I thought about what was to come for him and it just sort of overwhelmed me for the rest of that evening.  I shook it off, because it was needful that I did not remain in that valley.  But I remember the heaviness and it was such a strange, burdensome feeling.

But, today, you'd barely know the journey that he took over the past year.  I have some photos on my computer that I took of him and Mom when he was in Cardiac ICU.  Just a couple.  I'm not sure who all has actually seen them.  Maybe only Jmk and myself.  Anyway, those pictures put an exclamation point on the success he has had in recovery over the past year.  It's really...  I don't know how to describe it.  I have this picture of my first hero on my computer where he is weak and barely conscious, and there are tubes and wires and more monitors than I knew could be attached to a person, and it makes me want to protect him in the way I feel protective of my husband or my children.  My mom is looking at him with a quiet strength about her that I assure you she did NOT feel at that scary moment in time.  But, even though she didn't feel strong right then, she was strengthened by the grace of God to get through the surreal difficulty of seeing her lifelong mate unable to even fully awaken.  Steel Magnolia.

He worked hard.  He went to cardiac rehab.  He ate when nothing tasted right or smelled right.  He worked hard at sleeping when sleeping was uncomfortable.  He continues to endure a handful of pills every day.  And, now, he is active, strong, back to "normal".  But he's different.  Not bad different.  Not good different.  Just different - nobody can go through something so unexpected and so invasive and so life-threatening and not be changed somehow.  It has been a thought altering process for me, as well.  I know for sure now that I will not always have my parents with me, unless the Savior comes back for His own sooner rather than later.  I have had a whole year with my Daddy that probably shouldn't have happened, considering how little blood was actually getting to his heart.  And, to be honest, I expect to have him for many, many more years than he had his Daddy.  Now, I'm pretty sure my mom is going to outlive me.  ::wink::  But, I respect this time I have left with them.  I love it.  I need it.  I want it.

It's not easy getting old.  Let's face it, it's heck getting old.  I know that if the Lord keeps me here, my sweet Jmk and I are going to do whatever we can to make sure our parents feel loved, protected, cared for, as best as we are able.  We hope to make sure they have some fun and that they know that their time here on earth was necessary, important, and will forever be remembered.  We hope to try to erase some of the lines between "old" and "young" and replace them with "family".  We won't do everything right, and we won't always know what to do.  But the desire will be there to do all we can for those we love.  I hope they won't be too uncomfortable to just tell us what they need from us when we don't figure it out on our own.

I don't feel like I'll have to say goodbye to either of my parents for a long time, Lord willing, because they are working hard to respect the life they were given by fixing the things that are going off-course.  For that effort, I thank them, because it's no small effort, I assure you.  And I'm so glad that this past year was one with my Dad IN it.  'Cause he's pretty awesome.  And I sure do love him.