A Year Ago

A year ago today, my father went in to the hospital, through the ER, in congestive heart failure.  He was there for 15 days.  After it was discovered that stents were impossible due to complete to almost complete blockage in every vessel leading into his heart, he endured a triple bypass surgery.  (One of the vessels was completely blocked AND closed and was unable to be bypassed).  He was back in the hospital 6 days later due to fluid build-up and in that process pulmonary embolisms were discovered.  He was released again 5 days later on blood thinners and other updated meds.  One more day visit to the ER for shortness of breath.  And then a bit less than 6 weeks later, one more brief hospital stay to have a pacemaker/defibrillator implanted.

The beginning of 2012 was a physical and emotional roller coaster in so many ways, for everyone involved, and especially for him.

For me, I have learned a lot of different lessons over the past year.  Some I will discuss, some I can't quite put words to.  I've had words of advice that have stuck with me and that I pull out on a regular basis from people who might not even remember speaking them to me.  But the journey over the past year has been one that reaffirmed my God-blessed, beautiful relationship with my husband.  It strengthened and/or changed my relationship with my parents in different ways.  It brought to light the love of friends who surrounded me with support.  But, very specifically, it caused me to look to the Lord for help and for comfort.  Not that I hadn't always done that up to that point.  But, my boldness for Him changed.  Actually, to be honest, it was born.  My boldness is but an infant in its development, but it was born.  And I hope to nurture that boldness for Jesus Christ so that it may continue to grow, to glorify Him.  I had nothing but prayer when we were in the waiting area during his surgery.  I had nothing but prayer the morning that we were gathered in his room, praying with him, not sure if we would see him again after the surgery.  I had nothing but prayer as I was driving back and forth from my home to the hospital.  I had nothing but prayer as I thought of all the time that Jmk took off work so that I could be in the hospital without needing to care for the children.  When you have nothing but that life line to God, then there is a bridge or a bond that is built that you want to fortify.

It's very hard for me to really explain it the way I want to.  But, for now, that's what I can put to words.

During the most recent Christmas holidays, and just after our house guests left to go home to Boston, there was a weirdness in my heart and my head.  I thought about how a year ago at that very time, my father was very, very sick, but no one really knew.  I thought about what was to come for him and it just sort of overwhelmed me for the rest of that evening.  I shook it off, because it was needful that I did not remain in that valley.  But I remember the heaviness and it was such a strange, burdensome feeling.

But, today, you'd barely know the journey that he took over the past year.  I have some photos on my computer that I took of him and Mom when he was in Cardiac ICU.  Just a couple.  I'm not sure who all has actually seen them.  Maybe only Jmk and myself.  Anyway, those pictures put an exclamation point on the success he has had in recovery over the past year.  It's really...  I don't know how to describe it.  I have this picture of my first hero on my computer where he is weak and barely conscious, and there are tubes and wires and more monitors than I knew could be attached to a person, and it makes me want to protect him in the way I feel protective of my husband or my children.  My mom is looking at him with a quiet strength about her that I assure you she did NOT feel at that scary moment in time.  But, even though she didn't feel strong right then, she was strengthened by the grace of God to get through the surreal difficulty of seeing her lifelong mate unable to even fully awaken.  Steel Magnolia.

He worked hard.  He went to cardiac rehab.  He ate when nothing tasted right or smelled right.  He worked hard at sleeping when sleeping was uncomfortable.  He continues to endure a handful of pills every day.  And, now, he is active, strong, back to "normal".  But he's different.  Not bad different.  Not good different.  Just different - nobody can go through something so unexpected and so invasive and so life-threatening and not be changed somehow.  It has been a thought altering process for me, as well.  I know for sure now that I will not always have my parents with me, unless the Savior comes back for His own sooner rather than later.  I have had a whole year with my Daddy that probably shouldn't have happened, considering how little blood was actually getting to his heart.  And, to be honest, I expect to have him for many, many more years than he had his Daddy.  Now, I'm pretty sure my mom is going to outlive me.  ::wink::  But, I respect this time I have left with them.  I love it.  I need it.  I want it.

It's not easy getting old.  Let's face it, it's heck getting old.  I know that if the Lord keeps me here, my sweet Jmk and I are going to do whatever we can to make sure our parents feel loved, protected, cared for, as best as we are able.  We hope to make sure they have some fun and that they know that their time here on earth was necessary, important, and will forever be remembered.  We hope to try to erase some of the lines between "old" and "young" and replace them with "family".  We won't do everything right, and we won't always know what to do.  But the desire will be there to do all we can for those we love.  I hope they won't be too uncomfortable to just tell us what they need from us when we don't figure it out on our own.

I don't feel like I'll have to say goodbye to either of my parents for a long time, Lord willing, because they are working hard to respect the life they were given by fixing the things that are going off-course.  For that effort, I thank them, because it's no small effort, I assure you.  And I'm so glad that this past year was one with my Dad IN it.  'Cause he's pretty awesome.  And I sure do love him.