It's All Personal

[Enter a new blog type for me which is loosely categorized as "I need to vent and some of this may tick you off and I'm really sorry about that, but every thing that builds up pressure must either have a pop-off valve or it will explode".  My intention of posting is to solve that pressure build-up because just unloading on my ever patient husband wasn't enough.  I guess when I'm inundated electronically with a certain thing, I feel the need to pop-off electronically, too.]


From the beginning of time, there has been a war between between Right and Wrong.  Evil warring against Goodness.  Goodness does allow Evil to "win" from time to time, but make no mistake, Goodness will triumph at the end and Evil knows it.

In the meantime, Evil, who is the Enemy of those who belong to Goodness, does whatever he can to complicate and obfuscate their lives.

Enter terminology.

In my short life (short to someone who is, say, 77), I've watched "church speak" evolve.  It's just like regular speech.  The things that come out of younger folks' lexicon in the larger metropolitan areas eventually make their way everywhere and within a year or so make their way into adult speech, at which time of course, the kids quit saying it.  (Example - only using the first syllable of a word.  Presh instead of precious.)  "Church Speak" is always changing as well, in order to better fit a movement's motives or to keep up with what is being said in the mega-churches of the bigger cities, possibly.  It's always been that way and will always be that way until Christ comes back.

Example.  Two hundred years ago, the question may have been "Have you been baptized?" which would indicate the desire to know if you identified as a Christian.  When I was a kid, "Have you been saved?" and "Have you accepted Christ?" were the common questions.  I began to notice a slight shift in the terminology as people were able to be more vocal on a broader stage because of blogs and such, and the question changed slightly to "Have you given your life to Christ?" or "She chose to follow Christ".  The meaning was the same, but where the first questions were more honest in their intent, the later questions weren't so blatantly "I was part of my salvation, because Christ didn't complete the work Himself."  The newer phrase "Let Go and Let God" can also have that meaning, although it's also meant to imply a need to quit fighting the Spirit who intends to lead you down the path that leads to peace.

Now, all the above, unless you're Primitive Baptist or someone of a Calvinist sort of order (PB's aren't Calvinists, but our doctrine feels quite similar) may ruffle feathers, so just shake that off and let's continue.  I am open to doctrinal discussions, but I'm not trying to debate works vs. grace right now.  I'm here to get something off my chest that gets thrown around in political/social arguments all. the. time. these days.  Here comes my electronic pop-off valve.

The idea of "My God" and "My Jesus".

::exhale::

Y'all, there is one God.  He exists as a triune being made of God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit.  This is what I believe because logic leads me to that understanding and the Spirit gives me the faith to believe the things that I can not see.  He is a personal God in that Jesus Christ, upon dying on the cross, rent the veil.  He opened the door between us and God; nay, he obliterated it.  He didn't make a way to salvation, He finished it.  He took his clothing (of righteousness) and put them on us so that we could commune with God the Father.  He took His and secured them.  ALL OF THEM.  I love Dolly Parton singing "He's Alive", (I just got chills typing that) because of the words "Heaven's gates are open wide".  They are - because Christ personally took care of the barrier between us and Heaven.  By us, I mean every single Child of God.

But God - whether you speak of the triune being or of the Father, the Son, or the Spirit individually - is God.  He is and He runs things.  You don't get to define Him.

Let's take the abortion argument.  (I sat here for a minute to try to come up with a cutesy, obscure example but we all know what the hot button topics are, so I'll just pick one of them.)  When a defender of the practice uses the terminology "Well MY God wouldn't want someone to be unhappy, and if someone isn't ready to have a child, then they will be unhappy", they are showing their doctrinal hand.  This introduces the idea of a personal Jesus or a personal God - one who is defined by the "user" rather than by Himself.  While I will concede that the development of the worship of God is a personal thing based on where one is one's study and experience, one begins a descent down a slick slope when one starts to define God.  (Please allow me to insert this:  Most people who get abortions are scared and make a bad choice and later regret it.  Please know that you are loved and there are groups that are already in place to help you deal with and heal from this burden.)

Ah, Leah.  You sound sanctimonious and as though you think you know more about the Bible than me.  You fool.

Oh, I'm a fool, in so many ways.  You're right about that.  You may very well have studied the Bible way more than me, which wouldn't take much.  If I am sounding sanctimonious, it's because I'm a subpar writer, because all I'm doing right now is venting.  But I ask you this - what good is a God who can be defined by the "user" rather than by Himself?  That would indicate that God is not God but, rather, Man is God.  That's the danger of letting popular phrases sneak into your lexicon.  Eventually, your brain works on them and they change the way you look at God.  The Enemy doesn't go around proclaiming huge, enormous lies that are easy to spot and brush off as nonsense.  He speaks with words that are really logical and pretty much the truth except that maybe one word/thought gets just a little bit altered.  But that tiny alteration can change an entire value system.  He told Eve "you're not going to DIE.  It's not like you're going to take a bite of the fruit and just fall over dead."  And she didn't, did she?  Not right then.  But everything changed.

Oh, so you think you know God better than me?

Not really, no.  I mean, I don't know - do you think you know God better than me?  That's a non-helpful question and is meant to change the discussion.  What I'm saying is that if you're going to speak of the God in the Bible, and use His words as part of an argument, then in order for the argument to be valid, you have to speak of God as He has defined Himself.  You can't make one up.  Either it's all inerrant or it's not.  Either God has defined Himself or He hasn't.  And for Pete's sake, why would you worship a god that is changeable (read: unstable or not reliable)?

::exhale::

I have read a lot of arguments the last few days that began with the precept that "My Jesus would never -fill in the blank-".  Those well-meaning but misguided folks are the ones who have chosen a man-made religion, even though I suspect most of them don't realize it.  And it started right in the church when we let the phrase "personal relationship with Jesus" get completely out of hand.  Specifically, out of His hand.

Ballroom Dancing and Marriage

So, I'm sitting here eating my lunch of tomato soup with entirely too much cheese in it for someone who is supposed to be on a diet.  And I'm browsing the Black Hole Of Time And Productivity, also known as Facebook.  I came across this article talking about how this writer "isn't a feminist and that's okay".

I liked the article, particularly because of how she explained that had she been alive in the early 1900's, she'd have likely been a feminist.  Back then, equal pay for equal jobs, the right to vote, and the right to work without being thought a bastion of evilosity (Kacktionary) were the hallmarks of the original feminist movement.  I'm with you, Ms. Sankey.  (See, I don't know if she's married or not, but I suspect that someone capable of writing that post is probably okay with being called Ms. even if she'd rather be a Miss or is supposed to be a Mrs.)  The original feminist movement was common sense.  Now, though, it has been hijacked to include things that devalue human life, that are illogical, and that are repressive to any woman who doesn't perform obeisance to the current platform of ideas.  (I'll let you decide what those things are.)

But that's not what I came here to get off of my mind.

Today, we finished up a homeschool ballroom class for some area high schoolers.  It was so fun, and some of those kids had to step all the way out of their comfort zone to do what they did.  I was so proud to be able to help them!  I didn't teach it; rather, I was the assistant, the official kitten-herder, and the demonstration lackey.  Perfect for me, and good for the kids because the real teacher has a LOT of experience teaching kids as well as adults.

This has ballroom on my mind at the moment and that combined with the article I read is why I'm wanting to share some thoughts.  See, I'm one of "those" women who takes the Bible's directions for a healthy marriage to heart.  I figure if I'm going to believe some of the Bible, I might as well believe all of it, right?  But, I really don't want to sound all "boy, aren't I just the best woman ever because I don't get my knickers in a twist when I hear the word 'submit'?".  I say all that to say that I agree with the premise that a strong family needs a singular leader in order to maintain order.  That leader needs to be able to have a right-hand (wo)man who can basically take charge and run things in a manner that they both agree is best for said family.

A good marriage is not too different from a really good pairing on the dance floor.

Within a strong dance couple, the man is a strong leader.  He leads the dance based on what he feels is best for the music and best for the partner he has in his arms.  He doesn't try to lead his partner into steps that she hates or doesn't do well, because they will both feel awkward and look ridiculous.  It won't work if he's always waiting around for her to back lead him into something, because back leading never looks as good as proper leading.  The lady, on the other hand, has got to be strong to be able to follow that lead.  If her arms are spaghetti and her mind is elsewhere, she will always have a scared deer look in her eyes and will usually be a step behind what he's trying to do.  They've both got to be strong, focused, and committed to the dance in order for it to both look good and for them to have fun.  And she has GOT to follow his lead.  If she gets it in her head that they are going to do something else other than what he has in mind, they will jumble up and, again, look ridiculous.

Here's the thing.  When a couple has been dancing together for a long time, he knows what she's expecting to do and she knows what he's going to do, and they've probably talked enough about what they like and don't like so that they now can just relax and enjoy the movement and the music.  They can learn new things together and get better and they do it under the same formula - he leads, she follows.

You see where I went with that.  All that I said is perfectly true about a dancing partnership and it's all true about marriage as well.

My marriage isn't perfect.  No marriage is.  While that hardly needs to be said, I feel like I need to include that ubiquitous clarification so that I don't have to make a long statement about how I don't want to come off as some self righteous know-it-all who has all the answers and who is 24/7 peaceful with her husband and kids and whose bookshelves are never dusty.  ::rolling my eyes::  Y'all, I'm a big mess of inconsistency and partial-crazy and I by no means have an unfailing handle on right vs. wrong.  (See, I went ahead and made that long statement anyway.  I just hate the "my marriage isn't perfect either" stuff, because you never can tell if someone is just saying that to try to keep you from feeling bad.)

What I have is some experience with ballroom dancing, and a tiny 14 years experience with marriage, and a mind that likes to overthink things, and a lifetime of Primitive Baptist upbringing.  All that mushed together results in posts just like this one, and now I've been able to share my mush.  :-)

Thoughts From The Lawnmower

So, we have a pretty decent sized yard now.  While, technically, you could mow it with a pushmower, it would take a *really* long time.  So, we have a riding lawnmower.  I love cutting the yard!  It takes me somewhere between 2 1/2 and 3 hours to cut it, and it makes for some very nice "me" time.  Plus, it has the benefit of allowing me to start a job and finish.  My primary occupation is raising children, and that is obviously not a job where you get to place a period at any given time.   So, cutting the grass is good for me.

And, it gives me a lot of uninterrupted thinking time.  That little blessing is in short supply, most days.  Having hours to begin a thought and then keep thinking about it and then allowing it to create this lovely gossamer of connections in my brain is a little bit like eating chocolate while you're dieting.  It feels decadent and quite like a reward.

Well, I got to cut the grass on Wednesday afternoon.  We were scheduled to have some pretty long rains, and all the weeds are vociferously stretching for attention, so I rearranged some other things and hopped on the mower.  Earlier this week, a former first lady, Nancy Reagan, had passed away, and I got to thinking about her.  I've always held both her and President Reagan in high regard.  Not just for the way he governed and she managed the White House, but for the intense love they had for each other and the way they shared those emotions with anyone who watched.  It was genuine.  You knew it was.  And, in politics, seeing real feelings that are good and pure have a way of connecting you to a person or couple.

So, I got to thinking about her passing and my first thought was "oh, she must have been so joyously happy to see her Ronnie again."  That thought was immediately followed by "but that's not who she should have been joyously happy to see."

When I think of passing away, I think of those who have already left.  I think of the possibility that my Jason will be the one I am longing to see again and how much that anticipation will fill my thoughts.  But I should be deeply longing to see my Lord.  Why isn't that my first thought?  We long for those we lived with here, because we spent time with that person and invested in that person.

"Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

Okay, so dig more deeply into His word and spend more time in prayer and in communion with Him.  Develop a relationship with Him that comes to mind during the day as I think of friends and those I love.

But, not having that physical relationship - being able to see, touch, hold, care for - keeps the relationship from feeling like the one I have with my husband or my children or my parents or my siblings.  In my head, I know I should long to see Him, and so I do.  But it's not the same as longing for human beings who have gone on.  And it makes me feel quite guilty as well as desirous of changing the relationship I have with Him so that I can feel that longing.

I long for Him to come back and take us all home.  That is a deeply felt desire of mine now.  But when I am passing away, will I feel that same urge for Him as I will feel for those people here that I loved?

You know, I don't know.  But just typing this out has made me remember that investment of time matters.  And I am not really investing the kind of time I need to in order to develop not just professorial knowledge, but also emotion and desire - that kind of desire that can at times overwhelm your heart.  Maybe just knowing that this desire is a goal of mine will help to bring it about, because I will be putting my treasure of thoughts into Jesus Christ more often.  And eventually, as I am leaving this world, I may be longing for those already gone, with Jesus being the first one on that mindful list.

Missing Them In The Other Room

Hi there!

I don't think anyone other than maybe the Hubs (because he told me last night that he does still come over here from time to time) still visits.  It's just like everyone else's situation in that Facebook, IG, and other 140 character thoughts dominate our sharing of our minds and hearts.  I'm not too worked up over it, really.  I haven't been here in three years.

Except that I have a sieve-like memory, and I hate that.  So, I'm going to try to get thoughts on virtual paper as often as I can so I don't forget things entirely and so that "one day" my kids will have this to hold on to, if they need it.

So, today is the start of our Spring Break in our homeschool, but I had some articles due for a local magazine for which I write.  (That's Parents & Kids, btw.)   I told my kiddos that under penalty of tragediacal (check your Kacktionary) pain, they were in no way to come into the school room and talk to me while I get these finished up.  They, for the most part, have left me alone.

Now, I hear them in there talking, sometimes arguing, and generally playing around.  And I miss them.  :-)  I'm so glad that I miss them and that I'm able to feel that feeling instead of having the feeling of "ugh, I don't *want* to get up and go deal with the kids".  Don't misunderstand - I'm no saint.  I have the latter feeling plenty of times.  Any mom who says she doesn't is either fibbing or really needs to start educating the rest of us.  But, today, I miss them, and I'm ready to go in there and settle down the arguments and tell them that I'm through with that work and ready to engage again.

Which is good, because I need to get them fed and get people ready to hit activities this afternoon!

P.S.  This post will be tagged with "Thoughts From The Lawnmower", but I'll explain that one in a later post.  I have to be reasonable about how I share my thoughts - if I want to do it, I need to do it concisely or it won't get done!

Building and Bewildered

So overwhelmed!

We are in a crazy spot in life. The Lord seems to be leading us to a blessed place of building a new house that will accommodate our homeschooling lifestyle more easily. And for that, we are so grateful. 

Here are some "progress" pics, although we haven't actually started yet. 

This is shot from a mostly center point at the very front of the lot.  One large Red Oak stands on this lot, and there will be great pains taken to preserve it.  There is also a pond (they call it a "lake", but it's a VERY small "lake") at the back of the property.  It's a triangular shaped lot, with the larger "base" of the triangle at the front of the property.

It's really hard to see, but Jmk staked out approximately where the house will go, and he and the kids are standing at those four corners.  

But what is overwhelming me right now is the selling process.  We have a house now, and we gotta sell it!  We're preparing the house now to put it on the market - and there seems to be so, SO much to do. Praise God, it's nothing important. The roof is new. The HVAC system is new. We don't have any major repairs that need to be made. But, it's the STUFF. 

So. Much. Stuff. We have to move a lot of Stuff out of the house just so potential buyers can better see the space and the layout. We've had to move tons of school things into storage, because most people can't understand the homeschooling lifestyle. They don't really "get" the fact that this nice, open dining room really can't be a dining room. We need bookshelves and toy boxes and places for posters and globes. 

So, our school is all packed into a storage room, keeping only the very basic basics here, so that the dining room can be a dining room again.  We have stored toys upon toys and some extra furniture and just a whole bunch of STUFF.  Stuff, quite frankly, that we can obviously live without since we seem to be still living and breathing with it all sitting in a storage room.  

WHY do we keep so much stuff in our homes?  It's really unsettling to me.  A dear church sister reminded me recently that we're just "pilgrims and sojourners"; we really don't need to be quite so tied to this life and the STUFF that's in it.  But, I know that when we make the move into the new house, Lord willing, I'll start opening boxes and bags and putting things away and I'll give in to the unwieldy sentimentality and will KEEP all that stuff that I have lived just fine without for months.  No matter how many times I tell myself that I won't do it, I will.

::exhale::  Maybe.  

Maybe I'll come to a place of reason by then.  Maybe I'll realize that while my kids appreciate seeing my old pom-poms from high school (and actually had fun playing with them), do they really care about that old laquered jewelry box that I don't actually use anymore but reminds me of my "growing up" days?  No.  They don't.  And they shouldn't.  It doesn't relate to anything specific, it has no monetary value, and it doesn't evoke any memories for them.  It doesn't even evoke specific memories for me.  It's just from a time period.  Well, by george, there are plenty of things I've stuffed in the storage room that can remind me of that time period.  I don't need ALL of them.  And I don't need to take all of them, put them on the floor of my closet again, and never see them until I'm searching for a wayward flip-flop.  Seriously.  Come on. 

I'm just unsettled right now.  Our wonderful home doesn't feel as much like our home right now, because we're having to look at it through a potential buyer's eyes, which is a necessary part of being in real estate.  But, it's unsettling to have that "not really yours" feeling about the place where you live, even though it IS yours.  I wonder how the kids are dealing with it?  Surely they aren't able to take any weird feelings they may be feeling and actually put a name to them.  So, are they just ignoring it?  Or do they feel the weirdness too?

Selling a house is tough, and we haven't even actually listed it yet!  And, knowing that we are so overburdened with so much STUFF sitting in a storage room gives me a different, but equally weird, unsettled feeling.  Why so much? What is it about our lifestyle or choices or manner of living that draws us to the need to to accumulate things?  Not all of us have that urge; some of us are more bitten by this frustrating bug.

Well, I'll just have to Scarlett O'Hara these thoughts for now.  I'll go ahead and get some supper started and let it go.  Until I take the next load of stuff to the storage room.  And, then, I'll get that icko feeling again.  The Lord is working on me, I suspect.  At least, I pray that He is.  I certainly do not want to be left alone without His lessons!

For those reading who may know of someone looking for a house, we have a website set up for early lookers before we actually officially put it on the market.  The website is our current street address (dot) blogspot (dot) com.  We would gratefully accept any and all help to sell this home!

So, About Those Resolultions

I can not explain it easily why I can't seem to develop some simple, yet unique, new resolutions for 2013.  But, I can't.  I keep thinking that maybe it's because I know our year is going to be a crazy one, if the Lord blesses us to continue on this track to build our house.  Maybe, I think, it's because I didn't REALLY finish everything I set out to do last year, and I hate leaving things unfinished.   So, I believe that's what I will focus on with one minor alteration:

1)  Finish those last 5 lbs of weight loss.

I want to be in a place where I can yo-yo a bit on the scale and still have it start with a reasonable number.  Right now, after having slacked off from about Thanksgiving until now, I have had zero extra weight loss, and quite frankly, the scale was a little mean this morning.  So, back on the horse, lose the last 5.  Get comfortable in a size of clothing.  I have a year to do it, but I'd like to have it done by the summertime.

2)  Finish getting back splits, and make the arabesque a pure and true 90 degree arabesque.

No explanation needed there.

3)  I'm sitting here drumming my fingers on the keyboard, trying to come up with a way to explain how I'm not going to really try to finish the C25K program.  It's not that I want to leave it unfinished.  I don't.  And, I might just finish it accidentally.  But, I no longer have the urge to do it, although I really do enjoy the process of running, which I never really had before.  I DO, however, have the urge to get to exercising again, on a regular schedule.  All the progress that I made last year has almost completely been wiped out over the past two months of inactivity.  It's getting almost unnerving how quickly fitness can be lost as the years go by.

However, I find myself in a difficult place in life, with the kids and homeschooling, and my schedule not being my own.  I can't just leave the house and go walk the neighborhood, because the kids are too little.  I can't just bring them along, because then the workout isn't really one that has a great effect.  (although that would be better than what I'm doing now, which is nothing!)  The timing of my day doesn't really allow for me to take 30 minutes "just for me".  It seems like an easy thing to do, and MAYBE it's easier than I think it's going to be.  MAYBE I just need to gently alter the kids' thinking about the importance of mom being healthy.  And, to do that, I need to have time on the treadmill or whathaveyou.  I just don't know how it's going to work.  That's part of my problem.  I want that time to be on a schedule.  I like schedules and lists and knowing what's going to happen and following a plan.  I'm not great with the whole flying by the seat of my pants thing.  (I'm not a poster child for homeschooling, I'll be honest).  But, it takes some time to work through 40+ years of someone's personality!  I'm always going to be that person, but I have to learn to be flexible enough to allow creativity when fitting in exercise time.  It won't be done in a manner that makes me comfortable.  But, if it's done at all, then that's a success!

But, I know that I have GOT to resolve to find the time I need to stretch and use my muscles, to strengthen and support my body, to keep myself moving so that I don't lose mobility.  Inactivity quickly leads to a health decline.  And, there's too much to do to have that happening.  :-)

So, off through the new year, back on the wagon with the healthy eating (except for tonight - it's Kung Pao Friday!!), back on the wagon with some form of stretching or exercise every day, and hopefully heading towards a direction of improved health and strength!  And, maybe, next year one of my resolutions just might include an actual ballet class each week.  We'll see!

A Year Ago

A year ago today, my father went in to the hospital, through the ER, in congestive heart failure.  He was there for 15 days.  After it was discovered that stents were impossible due to complete to almost complete blockage in every vessel leading into his heart, he endured a triple bypass surgery.  (One of the vessels was completely blocked AND closed and was unable to be bypassed).  He was back in the hospital 6 days later due to fluid build-up and in that process pulmonary embolisms were discovered.  He was released again 5 days later on blood thinners and other updated meds.  One more day visit to the ER for shortness of breath.  And then a bit less than 6 weeks later, one more brief hospital stay to have a pacemaker/defibrillator implanted.

The beginning of 2012 was a physical and emotional roller coaster in so many ways, for everyone involved, and especially for him.

For me, I have learned a lot of different lessons over the past year.  Some I will discuss, some I can't quite put words to.  I've had words of advice that have stuck with me and that I pull out on a regular basis from people who might not even remember speaking them to me.  But the journey over the past year has been one that reaffirmed my God-blessed, beautiful relationship with my husband.  It strengthened and/or changed my relationship with my parents in different ways.  It brought to light the love of friends who surrounded me with support.  But, very specifically, it caused me to look to the Lord for help and for comfort.  Not that I hadn't always done that up to that point.  But, my boldness for Him changed.  Actually, to be honest, it was born.  My boldness is but an infant in its development, but it was born.  And I hope to nurture that boldness for Jesus Christ so that it may continue to grow, to glorify Him.  I had nothing but prayer when we were in the waiting area during his surgery.  I had nothing but prayer the morning that we were gathered in his room, praying with him, not sure if we would see him again after the surgery.  I had nothing but prayer as I was driving back and forth from my home to the hospital.  I had nothing but prayer as I thought of all the time that Jmk took off work so that I could be in the hospital without needing to care for the children.  When you have nothing but that life line to God, then there is a bridge or a bond that is built that you want to fortify.

It's very hard for me to really explain it the way I want to.  But, for now, that's what I can put to words.

During the most recent Christmas holidays, and just after our house guests left to go home to Boston, there was a weirdness in my heart and my head.  I thought about how a year ago at that very time, my father was very, very sick, but no one really knew.  I thought about what was to come for him and it just sort of overwhelmed me for the rest of that evening.  I shook it off, because it was needful that I did not remain in that valley.  But I remember the heaviness and it was such a strange, burdensome feeling.

But, today, you'd barely know the journey that he took over the past year.  I have some photos on my computer that I took of him and Mom when he was in Cardiac ICU.  Just a couple.  I'm not sure who all has actually seen them.  Maybe only Jmk and myself.  Anyway, those pictures put an exclamation point on the success he has had in recovery over the past year.  It's really...  I don't know how to describe it.  I have this picture of my first hero on my computer where he is weak and barely conscious, and there are tubes and wires and more monitors than I knew could be attached to a person, and it makes me want to protect him in the way I feel protective of my husband or my children.  My mom is looking at him with a quiet strength about her that I assure you she did NOT feel at that scary moment in time.  But, even though she didn't feel strong right then, she was strengthened by the grace of God to get through the surreal difficulty of seeing her lifelong mate unable to even fully awaken.  Steel Magnolia.

He worked hard.  He went to cardiac rehab.  He ate when nothing tasted right or smelled right.  He worked hard at sleeping when sleeping was uncomfortable.  He continues to endure a handful of pills every day.  And, now, he is active, strong, back to "normal".  But he's different.  Not bad different.  Not good different.  Just different - nobody can go through something so unexpected and so invasive and so life-threatening and not be changed somehow.  It has been a thought altering process for me, as well.  I know for sure now that I will not always have my parents with me, unless the Savior comes back for His own sooner rather than later.  I have had a whole year with my Daddy that probably shouldn't have happened, considering how little blood was actually getting to his heart.  And, to be honest, I expect to have him for many, many more years than he had his Daddy.  Now, I'm pretty sure my mom is going to outlive me.  ::wink::  But, I respect this time I have left with them.  I love it.  I need it.  I want it.

It's not easy getting old.  Let's face it, it's heck getting old.  I know that if the Lord keeps me here, my sweet Jmk and I are going to do whatever we can to make sure our parents feel loved, protected, cared for, as best as we are able.  We hope to make sure they have some fun and that they know that their time here on earth was necessary, important, and will forever be remembered.  We hope to try to erase some of the lines between "old" and "young" and replace them with "family".  We won't do everything right, and we won't always know what to do.  But the desire will be there to do all we can for those we love.  I hope they won't be too uncomfortable to just tell us what they need from us when we don't figure it out on our own.

I don't feel like I'll have to say goodbye to either of my parents for a long time, Lord willing, because they are working hard to respect the life they were given by fixing the things that are going off-course.  For that effort, I thank them, because it's no small effort, I assure you.  And I'm so glad that this past year was one with my Dad IN it.  'Cause he's pretty awesome.  And I sure do love him.

2012 Resolutions Recap

As we wind down this year of 2012, it's time for me to don the proverbial big girl undergarments and revisit those resolutions made back in January.  Confession is good for the soul, they say.  So, let's see how we did here, and maybe that will help me focus in order to develop some worthwhile resolutions for 2013.

2012 Resolutions:
1)  Lose Weight.
Okay, so, I did manage to get a good start on this one, praise the Lord.  I'm not all the way where I need to be, but I'm down 18 pounds!  (In a spirit of total and full confession, I was down 18 pounds at the start of December.  I have backslid a bit during this month, I hate to admit).  But, I have clothes in my closet that no longer fit well, and it's because they're too big instead of being too small!  That's a huge blessing.  Here's a picture from Christmas 2011 taken before Jmk and I headed out for his office Christmas party:

And, here's one from this year:

Why, yes!  He HAS lost a lot of weight himself!  He's down 28 pounds so far.  I'm so, so proud of his success.  And, yes, you're right.  My bookshelves are quite stuffed full of unorganized things.  :-)  Better Homes and Gardens is not really beating my door down for my decorating style.  ::grin::

What have we been doing?  Putting down the fork.  ::shrug::  It's not fun, and it's not complicated.  If you take in less calories than you burn during a day, then you lose weight eventually.  The type of calories you take in matter, of course.  But, when you track everything that goes into your mouth, then you tend to eat the foods that give you the most bang for your caloric buck.  And brownies just don't have the bang.  ::sadness::  :-)  I've got another few lbs to go yet.  (maybe another 5 or so?)  I want to be at a place that allows me some wiggle room during the holidays as well as get me down into a solid size.  I'm sort of in between two sizes right now, and I want to get fully into a single one.  Know what I mean?



2)  Exercise More.
I definitely did exercise more than I did in 2011.  But I definitely did NOT exercise as much as I meant to.  I need to be doing something 3 days a week at a very minimum.  Not for weight loss, but for health reasons and for strength.  I had spurts during the year where I would totally be on the treadmill 4 or 5 times in a week, and then spurts where I'd slack off for 6 or more weeks at a time.  So, I guess you could say I sorta kept this resolution and sorta didn't.  :-/


3)  Get back my side splits and a 90 degree arabesque.
Hmmm.  Well, I'm *this* close to the side splits.   I have no one to blame but myself for that one.  I simply didn't stretch consistently like I should have.  I have no excuse; I just didn't do it.  Fail.  But, I am close enough for government work with regard to the arabesque.  I'd call it about an 88 degree arabesque.

I'd definitely say I need my leg up a couple more inches and get my standing leg to turn out better.  (Turnout has never been my strong point).  And, my left shoulder needs to get down.  And my entire torso needs to be picked up more.  And that left hip needs to get down into place.  And...  Aaarrrgggh!  I have to stop before I decide that I didn't get anywhere near the arabesque I wanted.  It's better than it was a year ago, and I need to remember that.  I wish I'd thought to take a picture of it then so as to have photographic evidence of the progress.


4)  Finish the Couch to 5K program.
::sigh::  Man, being honest on here stinks!  No, I never finished the whole program.  I got closer than I have in the past!  I finished through week 7, and then school started back in the fall.  And once my mornings were spent schooling, I just couldn't seem to get myself together enough to take time to exercise after lunch.  I really don't know quite how to make exercise time fit into my day, even now.  But, as I'm trying to formulate my 2013 resolutions, knowing that that is one of them, I must figure something out.  I must!  I can't wait till the wee one is older and all that.


5)  Feel like I'm able to dance a swing with my youngest brother.
Well, I actually do think that I could make it through one now.  I'm not nearly in the type of shape I ought to be in, but I do think I'm in better shape than I was at the beginning of 2012.  And, I think I could get through a swing with him without feeling ill.  Ha!  So, I'll call this one a success.


I think that having these public resolutions this year were somewhat helpful for me!  So, I'll give this another go in 2013.  In complete honesty, my greatest success (the weight loss) was possible because Jmk was/is doing it with me.  We work so well as a team, and when we do things together, we always seem to be more successful.  We definitely have more fun!  So, thank you honey for being the most wonderfulest husband ever.  :-)

I'm still thinking about 2013 resolutions, and when I get them pulled together, I'll definitely share.  Share yours with me and I'll be your cheerleader!

Thank you, Lord God, for the unmerited blessings you have bestowed on me during this past year.  Thank you for the support and kind words and needed encouragement that you sent through others that reminded me of my goals.  Thank you for the good health that you gave to us this year.  Thank you, Father, for Your mercy and Your grace.

The Thyroid Thing

So, back in November, I briefly mentioned "the thryoid thing" and talked about how I was grateful for a good checkup.  So, I'll elaborate on what that was all about, as much as I need to elaborate on medical stuff that isn't that big of a deal.  :-)

Way back in the summer, I decided to do a cleanse to help jump start an honest-to-goodness diet that I intended to go on.  Think of a parent who gives their child a big push on a bike to get them going, and then the child continues pedaling after that - that's what I wanted the cleanse to do for me.  Well, along with that, I thought that it would be a great idea to get some blood work done first.  Check my cholesterol, my glucose, and etc.  Also, I thought it would be good to compare those results with new tests after the 3-week cleanse had been completed.

So, my chiropractor ordered some tests, and when the results came in, she called me and said "Um, Leah, your cholesterol is great, everything looks fine, but your TSH..." (a marker that indicates thyroid malfunction) "...is way too high".  (Where a normal level is 0.3 to 3.7, my level was 28).   "You need to schedule an appointment with your GP".

I did so, he immediately said "start synthroid, we're not checking anything else, and here are some samples and it doesn't really matter how you take them".  ::insert questioning face here::  Well, I had Dr. Googled all weekend prior to that appointment, and even though I had to start with "what is a thyroid and where is it in your body", by the time I saw this first doctor, I had at least learned that you HAVE to take thyroid medication at a specific time and in a specific manner.  So, I left his office, called my mother-in-law who used to work for a GP herself and said "um....  this isn't right is it?"  To which she said, no it isn't at ALL.  She gave me the name of a different GP to see, and I made an appointment.

However, before I made it to that appointment, I did some MORE Dr. Googling.  (Google must be the bane of some physicians' lives.  It can really help educate patients, but it can also cause some stubbornness!)  I got to reading about how sometimes the thyroid simply gets overworked, along with the adrenals, and that there are times that supplementation, proper diet, and lifestyle changes can help to stimulate function naturally.  Well, sign me up for that!!!  I much prefer that route of medical intervention as opposed to a lifetime of pill-popping.  Thus, I postponed my GP appointment, to the chagrin of a number of people.  ;-)

But, I needed to try that route first.  It was important to me. I HAD to know if the problem could be fixed naturally.  I had to!  So, I worked with the chiro to get proper supplementation, finish the cleanse, and do the things that would help if this was a problem that could be fixed in this manner.  She had had prior success with other people who had thyroid issues, and I figured that this was my best chance, if it could work.

Unfortunately, that wasn't going to be the case for me.  My numbers continued to degrade despite big efforts.  And so, I made a new appointment with this wonderful GP, and he looked at my test results and said "how are you not lying in bed unable to function?"  I actually kept getting that question from nurses, too.  You know, that's one of the things that bugs me about my situation.  I never really felt like anything was terribly wrong.  So, how am I supposed to know if things get off again if I'm not too symptomatic in the first place?  Regardless, he started me on Synthroid (incidentally, it was the same dosage as the other doc.  But, this time, I had proper instructions, and the new doc didn't tell me to break samples in half to get the proper dosage.  That, btw, isn't a good idea with this medicine), but he also asked me to get an ultrasound of the gland to make sure that there wasn't anything "weird" going on in there that needed to be addressed.

So, I have the ultrasound and they discover nodules in the thyroid which is a fairly typical thing.  However, the GP says that when there is at least one nodule of a certain size, he refers to an endocrinologist.  I had one big enough to warrant that, so off I go to the endo.  I get to his office, and he does another ultrasound with a biopsy to make sure that there isn't anything amiss.  By God's mercy, there isn't anything wrong, and I leave with a definitive diagnosis.  Hashimoto's Thyroiditis with Hypothyroid.

Like I told my Dad, if you're going to have a chronic problem, this is the one to have!  It's sort of like rheumatoid arthritis, except that instead of your body attacking your joints, it attacks your thyroid.  The medical establishment doesn't have any explanation for it, and honestly, because there is medicine so readily available to control symptoms, there will probably be very little research done to determine causes and how to fix the problem instead of just bandaid the symptoms.

Fast forward to now, all is well!  I take a pill every day, and my last checkup indicated that all seems to be fine.  Like I mentioned previously, I'm not sure I will know when my levels are going off track until it gets particularly bad.  But, then, I also know how quickly "things" can be gotten back under control with proper medication.  So, the Lord has blessed me with a medical issue that is so mild, so manageable, and so not a big deal!  I'm really, really grateful for that.  And that, my friends, is all there is to know about that Thyroid Thing!  :-)

Thoughts on prayer and faith

I read a devotional recently that touched me.  For those that don't have time to click on the link, the gist of it, for me anyway, was how important it is to turn to God in prayer, especially when you've messed up.  It referenced Jonah and how while he was in the hell of the great fish's belly, he didn't curse his situation.  Instead, he cried out in repentance to God.

It reminds me of my children.  They will do something wrong and will get into big-time trouble.  But, just as soon as they get over their initial punishment, they seek out the punishing parent for comfort and for forgiveness.  That is exactly what I am supposed to do with my Lord.  It was a good reminder of why and how we are to have the type of faith that a child has:  faith that trusts no matter what.  Here is an excerpt from this devotional:

When we find ourselves suffering for our own sins, we are sometimes tempted to avoid God. Out of a sense of guilt, or pride, or embarrassment we turn away from God rather than turning to him in prayer.

But, as Jonah observed, afflictions are sometimes sent to draw us to God, to deliver us from our sinful path: “I cried by reason of mine affliction unto the LORD.” The very affliction is what brought Jonah to cry out to God.

God has never yet turned away any sinner who prayed to him in repentance. Jonah found that, even as he suffered “in the belly of hell” he was able, through prayer, to come to God in his holy temple.

Being Thankful - Day Thirty

On this last day of the month of gratitude, I want to think about the very act of being grateful.

A couple of weeks ago, I was rocking the little squirt to sleep (ahhh, the benefits of being the "baby"), and I felt such gratitude for having this child, all my children, in my life.  I did nothing right so as to deserve them.  I am not the "world's best mom" by any means.  Yet, here I am with the blessing of three children.  And then, it occurred to me that the very act of being grateful for something like this points directly to a Creator.

If you're walking down the street, and you accidentally drop your keys out of your purse and a kind stranger picks them up and hands them back to you, it's normal to feel gratitude towards that particular person for doing a kind deed.

But, for the really huge things like family, children, etc, to whom does that gratitude go?  If you are holding a child or a grandchild and you feel so thankful to have them, why are you thankful?  Don't dismiss it as simple happiness.  You know it's more than that.  You can't simply be grateful to "the universe", because you are still implying that there is a life force bigger than you that had a part in this life you are holding.  As Psalm 19:1 expresses, the very heavens speak to a Creator.  The very earth and its inhabitants speak to a Creator.  The gratitude or thankfulness or the feeling of being overwhelmed with gifts speaks to a Creator.  Because if there wasn't a Creator to whom your gratitude was due, then you would simply care for your child as an animal cares for its child.  By instinct.  Without long-lasting emotion.  Dogs don't cry when they see their puppy.  They take it as a matter of fact, then go about licking the puppy clean.  But, we cry from the overwhelming emotion of holding this gift.  Why?  Because our very souls recognize our Creator, even if our minds refuse to acknowledge Him.

Sometimes, taking the first step of saying "yes, I acknowledge the absolute fact that there must be a Creator.  This world is here by Intelligent Design" is the hardest for some people.  But as my pastor always says, "it's amazing what unbelievers have to believe to be an unbeliever".  Getting yourself out of your own way and giving your gratitude to its proper Recipient creates a sense of peace in your heart, and it will allow you to feel the work that the Holy Spirit has already begun to do in you.

Gratitude itself is not just due to the Lord, but it is a gift from Him at the very same time.  ALL good things are of the Lord.  Praise isn't due to a person for being good; give thanks to God for the goodness He has put in that person.  And when you are sitting alone with your thoughts and feeling thankful for some good thing in your life, recognize the Creator in that.

Thank you, Father, for this past month of focusing on the gifts you've given to me and to my family.  Thank you for the good things that others have done for us and through us.  Today, Lord Jesus, I am thankful to You for all things!!!

Being Thankful - Day Twenty-Nine

Tonight, I'm grateful for this past month of focused gratitude.  Knowing each day that I needed to post something also made me realize that it was hard to pick just one thing.  It took a month, it seemed, to just get through the "big stuff".  Yeah, I broke down and expressed gratefulness for rotisserie chicken one day.  I did.  But, for the most past, I realized that the "big stuff" encompasses SO much of my life.  I have an abundance of gifts that, truly, a lot of us have.  But until you get to thinking about them, it's easy to forget how important, and how many, they all are.

Today has been one of those days where I've felt a lot of stress coming at me from a number of places, and I've felt a bit out of sorts.  I can't really explain it.  Maybe it's as simple as I need a quiet, peaceful day at home, and I don't see one of those on the horizon for awhile.  Maybe I'm feeling the typical stress of the "holiday season", where all the multitudes feel the pressure to put on an event to celebrate the Season, regardless of the fact that we all have SO many of these events to go to already.  Maybe I'm just cranky today.  WhatEVER the problem is, as I sit here and type, I realize that our gratitude is necessary when we're feeling good, when we're feeling cranky, when we're feeling downtrodden.  Even when we're feeling lost.  The hardest time to feel gratitude can be when the world gets all over and up in your business.  Yet, that's the time when we have to figure out how to let go of the stuff that is pestering our peace and focus on the Giver of the peace in the first place.  It's not easy, and the Lord never promised an easy path.  In fact, He pretty much assured us of difficulties.

Yet, we are to praise Him continually for He is good.  And we should be grateful for all the blessings we have at all times.  Good, the actual living entity that is the opposite of bad, is what God is.  If there is good in this world, then it is because God is there.  So, even on a weirdo day like I'm having today, I think of the good things, the blessings, in my life, and I thank Him.  I praise Him.  I remember that this life isn't about me in the first place.

And I will go to bed and shake this off (hopefully) and will rise to remember from Whom this past month's worth of blessings came.  Lord willing, this little pep talk to myself will do some good.  :-)

Being Thankful - Day Twenty-Eight

Today (yesterday), I'm so thankful for a van full of giggling 9 year old girls on their way to Nutcracker rehearsal, playing concentration and falling out in laughter when someone can't think of another food.  I'm so grateful for the sweet moms who have been faithful in the carpool so that we ALL don't have to make the trek across the Rez for every rehearsal.  And I'm grateful that the Lord has put all these lovely things in my path.

Just lovely and fun and sweet.  Thank you, Lord, for protecting these girls so that they still have so much of their naivete!

Being Thankful - Day Twenty-Seven

Tonight, I'm thankful for a family full of All-In!  It's a long story, so ask me about it sometime.  The short version is we all decided we were All-In after talking about Matthew 6:22-23 tonight.  Even widdle Lollypop said she was, although she really didn't know what she was saying.  But it was pretty cute nonetheless.

Thank you Lord for some precious family time and for reaching the hearts of our children in their youth.  That is a blessing for them, but it's also one for us.  And, You make them alive in You!

Being Thankful - Day Twenty-Six

Today, I'm very grateful for a good checkup with the thyroid doctor.  My levels all look good and he felt like the gland had possibly decreased in size a little bit.  Praise the Lord, it looks as though I'm responding to the drug therapy in a textbook fashion!

I'll go back in six months for a follow up ultrasound, and if, Lord willing, that looks good, then I'll hopefully only have to check in with him once a year!

I haven't talked about the whole "thyroid thing" as I call it, but I'll post an update on that soon.  It's no big secret; I just haven't gotten around to blogging about it.  The blessing of it all is that through the hand of God, a problem was caught before it caused any major problems!  Thank you, Lord Jesus, for sending healing through the expertise of the good doctors who treat me!  And thank you, Lord, for the good chiropractor who found this in the first place!

Being Thankful - Day Twenty-Five

Today, I'm thankful for all the experiences my parents provided for me as I was growing up that have allowed me to be able to do the things that I do today.  Ballet mom, soccer/baseball mom, homeschooling mom, photography mom, Mary Kay mom - all the odd variety of things that I do can be traced back to something that fed either my mind or my soul as I was growing up.  And, without my parents hard work to earn the money to pay for it and to physically get me to those activities, I'd not have those experiences to draw from.  (Mom, avert your eyes from the preposition that ends the sentence.  It sounds best like that).  ;-)

Thank you, Lord, for giving me parents that loved their kids and always did their best for us.  Please guide our actions with these three kids you've given us so that they will grow to honor you in all they do!

Being Thankful - Day Twenty-Four

Today (yesterday), I am thankful for a husband who understands me enough to know how much I love having the whole family help with decorating for Christmas, who also loves that himself, and who cares enough to cut short his day in the woods in order to help make that happen!

You're a good man, Jmk.  Thank you for making yesterday so fun and productive!!

Being Thankful - Day Twenty-Three

Tonight, I'm so thankful for Thanksgiving Part Two and for loving parents who are so gracious about not caring about which day they celebrate with family.  Thanksgiving on Friday?  Sure!  Why not?

It was a lovely day.  Poodle made the brownies and decorated the tables.  We collected leaves from Cascades and from the Trace and from our front yard to use on the tables.  I even wandered around the house and located our wedding china and crystal!  As a homeschooling family, we have had to give up things like china cabinets and buffets and... well, and the dining room!  ha!  We need the space for bookshelves and craft drawers and just plain move around space.  So, finding the "play-pretties" for holidays requires finding china stored under sinks in various bathrooms and finding serving pieces stored somewhere else and trying to remember where in the world that other bowl is now.  You can imagine, right?  It's like a treasure hunt, because I never can remember where it all is!  :-)

We had SO much food, because my mom did most of the heavy lifting with regard to the cooking.  (I had my list of food to prepare, but she only left me with the easy stuff!)  It was all soooo good, and we very happily ate way too stinkin' much.  :-)  Hands down, Mom makes the best pecan pie evah.  My local brother and his family was there (minus one sweetheart) and Jmk's dad.  And, we also had a lovely visit with my college roommate and her family as they were coming through the area on their way back home.  So, the kids had a BALL playing with everyone.  And it was a house full of people, and I loved it.  Loved it!  Holidays are getting a little easier as the kids get a little older.  (Even the Little Squirt wandered around with Uncle Ken yesterday.  Last year, she wouldn't wander two feet away from me).  And I used to almost steel myself for holidays, worrying about the kids' behavior and that kind of thing.  Now, I can see that I can look forward to being with family.  Sure, the kids' behavior still matters, but I'm not as worried about it.  Sure, they still need me, but not in the same "every needs" kind of way.  There is some sadness in that, but at the same time, I'm so thankful, so VERY thankful, that the Lord has allowed me to get to this point.  It's an undeserved blessing, and I'm so grateful.

Thank you, Lord, for the gift of family and for allowing me to be a part of one that loves me back!  It's no small thing to have a family that works to stay together.  And to have a DNA family AND a by-marriage family that make those efforts...  well, I have been given a lifelong gift!

Being Thankful - Day Twenty-Two

Today (yesterday), on a beautiful Thanksgiving Day, I am thankful for the efforts of a beautiful woman who loves the work that it takes to get her family together.  She plans and works and thinks and accommodates for weeks and weeks in order to be sure that her family stays close and we are able to connect with each other, face-to-face, on a regular basis.

We had a beautiful afternoon, eating lots of really good food, and we enjoyed being with family!  Aunt Jen, THANK YOU for the work that you put in.  And to the other sisters, thank you for all you did to help get the food there and out and for always being a part of the joy and laughter and LOVE that surrounds the family.  I sure lucked out to have married into such joy.

I give God the glory for the good days like yesterday!  Thank you, Father, for blessing us with a precious afternoon together.

Being Thankful - Day Twenty-One

Today (yesterday), I am so thankful for the giant sized blessing of the possibilities of "On Kackley Pond".  We don't know God's timing, but we are so, so grateful for the chance that we may be having new home adventures in the future.

Thank you Lord for guiding us through the process so far, and I pray that You will keep us in Your will as the process continues.  Please deliver us from bad decisions and things that will not be honoring to You.